And then

"I always thought the words, and then, were a prelude to something wonderful" - Lang Leav

The last few weeks have involved a lot of thinking, figuring things out, learning about myself, and a lot of words written and erased. Things have seemed a little crazy lately. So much has happened in the past year, even more so in the last 2 months. I think I have learnt more about myself in the last little while than I have in a very, very long time. 

I read the above quote from a poem by Lang Leav and realised just how significant those two little words are in my life. And then...

It's always been extremely hard for me to be honest with myself. Constantly accepting things at face value, never challenging what I am made to believe. I suppose now that I think about it, it all seems a little naive. Perhaps I was. Maybe I still am.  

I think we get to a point in our lives where we're content, happy with how things are, happily moving with the flow, constantly telling yourself everything is a-okay. But is it? Was it ever? You're happy, in essence. You're loved, cared for, you have a job, you have friends who care, a family who loves you. 

And then...

Whether you wake up one day and realise everything has changed or whether someone decides that for you, something changes, within you. It makes you realise that you had never really stopped to think about any of it.

While and then could mean a sudden realisation, I have come to learn that it can - like Leav said - be the prelude to something wonderful. 

Life is tough, people are even tougher, but one day you wake up and it all seems to have calmed, balanced out a little. You're happy, even with the terrible decisions you made a few days earlier, with the fact that you have no idea what you are doing, no idea what you want. You're happy to be learning that it's alright to not know your next move, even though you always knew your next move. Predictable is dull, right? 

One day you wake up and everything has changed. You learn to cope, slowly, and then you eventually realise that you're no longer just dealing, just accepting, just living. You realise that you're pretty damn happy. And that's what it comes down to.  

You cannot undo what has been done, un-sing a song that's already been sung. 

Hurricane

It's never easy to reminisce about things you had no control over, things you lost, people you've left behind. It always throws you backwards. Nostalgia sets in. Whether you remember the good or bad, its never a comfortable feeling. 

People aren't poetry. You can't define a mix of emotions, personalities and passions into a few neatly typed lines. 

I have come to learn that people are hurricanes. A wild, chaotic whirlwind of life changing madness - locked away in every person. But this is not necessarily a bad thing...

Think about it for a second - think of anyone in your life who you care about deeply, did you "fall" in love with them or did you absolutely, completely crash head first into it? Whether this be the first time you held your child or the first time you realised you saw yourself in another. 

The people you love slowly become hurricanes. Whether they hang around or are ripped up from the roots, your life will never be the same. Good or bad, better or worse. 

Obviously, loss isn't easy. Death isn't easy. Moving on is never easy. 

Sometimes it's the kind of heartache you feel in your bones. Where every breath you take pulls you back to times which seem like a lifetime ago. Places, smells, memories, expressions, words - all reminding you that you let a hurricane lose and there was no taming it. 

Like real hurricanes you are simply left in the wake.  

Other times though, are peaceful. Disconnected. Eerily distant. Quiet. 

Although hurricanes tear through everything in their path they also bring new life. Eventually. 

They rip down old walls and places that once stood tall and proud. They challenge the unwavering. 

In places you once found comfort and familiarity, they somehow build reassurance. 

Just in time for another hurricane. 

To learn to dance in the hurricane, you need to jump right in!